Strength....

Today was my Grandmas wake. I learned something about myself today. I learned that Im not nearly as strong as I thought I was. I consider myself a very strong person. I went today with the intention of being there for everyone else. Im the big sister. Im the oldest daughter. I was supposed to be the one everyone could fall apart on. Boy, did I get a wake up call. I turned out to be the one sitting in the corner, a total mess.
I did try to go into the viewing room. I went in there, my back straight, my shoulders back, ready to visit with family I hadnt seen in years. I took 3 steps, looked at my Grandma laying so peacefully in the casket, and from there I cant really tell you what happened. My head started spinning, my knees buckled, my heart hurt like no pain Ive ever felt before and I ended up in the nearest chair, clutching onto Annabel.

I hope tomorrow is easier. Maybe my mind will be more prepared than it was today. My heart sure wont be. There is a piece of my heart that will never come back, its gone with my Grandma.

Maybe strength isnt my thing.